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| Tamarind Springs |
It has been just over a month since I returned from Santina Giardina-Chard's
Wild Women Retreat in Koh Samui, Thailand. I could not recommend the experience enough. Santina is an amazing teacher,
Tamarind Springs was a beautiful, tranquil, green oasis and I got so much out of working on my physical and personal development in the company of a small group of beautiful, inspiring and supportive women. It was certainly hard work, but I learnt some lessons that will stay with me for the rest of my life, and I know there will be many more to come. Here's how each day worked...
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| The view from my villa |
Every morning I woke in my beautiful private open air villa, went through a series of cleansing rituals, made some tea and sat on my veranda to write my journal as the sun came up, listening to the birds begin to sing and watching the bats and the lizards go back to bed. I would go for a walk around the retreat grounds or sit on top of a giant boulder outside of my villa looking over the treetops and out to sea, feeling my connection with nature and the wider universe. Then I would stroll down the rocky steps to the yoga shala for meditation and Mysore style ashtanga practice under the watchful guidance of Santina who knew how to strike just the right balance between arse kicking and nurturing encouragement to get me working. Her gentle and intuitive adjustments and refusal to put up with my BS and excuses helped me to find new pathways in my body, creating space that I had given up hope of finding, and inspiring me to find the motivation to take my practice forward by committing to the process. After that we would neck back a fresh coconut and head to the natural cave steam rooms for a body scrub, steam and plunge pool regime that replenished, cleansed and rejuvenated the body, mind and soul. Then, finally(!), it was time for a healthy buffet brunch, followed by a couple of hours for relaxation and reading before our afternoon discussion group. This work was based around the writing of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her astonishing and insightful book
'Women Who Run With The Wolves', interwoven with Santina's hard-won wisdom and our own stories, experiences and journalling discoveries. Mine usually involving some personal enlightenment prompted by an encounter with a creepy-crawly in my villa! We ate an early dinner followed by more individual reading, journalling and processing which saw me crawl to my bed physically and emotionally exhausted each night, but I have also never felt more alive and connected both to myself, to others, to nature and beyond.
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| My lovely open air villa. Home to me and 5 million other creatures! |
Sounds amazing right? In a scary, slightly crazy, hippy way? It was. This particular journey, like all stages of my relationship with yoga has been both wonderful and terrifying. The big question for me though is always, what happens when you come home and step out of the bubble? How can you maintain this work and commitment to self-discovery when there are bills to pay, mouths to feed, family commitments, friends to drink with, obligations to fulfil and relationships to live with? How do you explain all your new-found crazy behaviour to your partner and kids? How do you find the time to do all these rituals and practices that you know make you feel good, but take up so much time and energy that you cant always find or afford? Can you actually go back to that life you left behind when you stepped on the plane? Can you make the changes you want to make without destroying all the wonderful things you already have? Is that really what will make you happy? What happens when you think you are on the right track and then something comes out of the blue and knocks you sideways, or worse, right back to where you started?
These are the questions I am working out now. They are the never ending chatter of doubt and fear that everyone has to live with. Of course, there are no easy answers.
The universe will keep throwing it's crap at you (for me, just when I commit to doing a regular practice 6 days a week, I have put my back out, discovered I have some serious misalignments that need correcting and that I will need to start rebuilding my body all over again if I'm going to be able to manage things long term). Nobody else in your life will seem to be on the same page as you. People will still be flaky and thwart your attempts to move forward. You will still get sucked into conflicts and the mundanity of daily life with a regularity that often makes you want to scream. Your partner will still annoy you, and your kids will still drive you up the wall. You will lose your temper, be hormonal and return to some of your bad habits. But, you will also begin to observe it all with a slight detachment that makes you realise that you will come out of the other side and that all you need to do is stick on the path you have started for the answers to each new problem to keep coming.
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| The steam caves |
I may not be doing the yoga practice I would like to be doing at the moment, but I have kept up most of those daily rituals (I just sometimes need to take some short cuts or spread them out through the day). I am journalling, and I am seeing people that can help me get back on track physically on a regular basis and as part of a long-term commitment to taking care of myself. I am trying to be careful about the choices I make and the ways I use my energy and have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with the rest of this year and into the next 5 years and have started to put some steps in place to get there. I am being more honest with myself and with those around me. Late summer is the perfect time of year to do this kind of work, and I feel really connected with this process. I am still making plenty of mistakes, but I am going to keep getting up and keep on trying.
If you are feeling stuck, hurt or uninspired then the kind of work I was lucky enough to begin with Santina can be a wake up call. If I have learnt anything at all since I first rolled out my yoga mat it is that sticking your head in the sand is not a long-term strategy for health and happiness. When I was away I cried many tears, I laughed many laughs and I had 10 days to think about what I am, who I am, why I am and where I want to be going in the most beautiful surroundings. It is now my husband's turn and he is currently away trekking in Nepal and I can't wait to hear all about his adventures and discoveries on his return. These things are never cheap, they are also an incredible privilege that we are particularly lucky to be able to take advantage of due to our current circumstances and location. That said, no matter what your position in life, there will always be other things you could be spending your hard earned money on, but if you feel a need to be there then you owe it to yourself to find a way. I believe that if you surround yourself with the right people at the right time in your life you will begin to face up to what is holding you back and learn to let it go. You will never regret the investment. You won't find all the answers there and then, but you will start to understand the questions you need to ask and keep on asking, even when things get tough and it would be easier to turn your back on the process.
It may be painful, it may not be perfect, but that is life and it is always worth it.
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| Leaving the shala for the last time to face the music at home! |
